Starting A New Journey
by jareya
Summary: "Early the next morning, they would take another train to yet another small town, and then travel by car to the orphanage, where they would finally meet their son – for the very first time." This story is in the same universe as the 'Brownies & Surprises' stories but can be read alone.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: This is a short story I wrote for Mother's Day. It belongs in the same universe as the 'Brownies & Surprises' stories I've posted here. To recap, in this AU, Harm and Mac get together as a couple earlier than in canon – about 6 years after their first meeting, but Mattie is already part of Harm's life. They adopt two children from Russia (back when it was still legal), and this three-part story looks at part of their adoption journey. I didn't do as much research for this one as I'd have liked, so please forgive my errors and inaccuracies, and let's just chalk them up to dramatic license ;-). As always, I welcome your reviews!_

Mac stared out the window of the tiny bedroom. Snow was falling thickly, laying plush white blankets on the arid ground, transforming this small, dreary town into a winter wonderland of sorts. She was exhausted, but the thoughts hurtling through her mind kept her alert, her thoughts raw and on edge. She knew she ought to at least try to sleep in preparation for the big day ahead, but it seemed impossible.

They'd had a long day, travelling first by private airplane from St Petersburg to a tiny airstrip several hours away from Novosibirsk, and then making the long train journey to the small town where they were currently spending the night. Early the next morning, they would take another train to yet another small town, and then travel by car to the orphanage, where they would finally meet their son – for the very first time.

_Our son, Yakov_. Mac sighed deeply, running a hand anxiously through her hair. She pulled her robe tighter around her, feeling a chill that seemed to run from the tips of her toes to the top of her head. It was a cold night, and the ancient heater was barely functional, but she knew the chill she was feeling came from deep within her. Every muscle in her body seemed taut, stretched almost to breaking-point. The long journey that had led them to this tiny inn was nothing compared to the emotional and mental journey that had brought them this far.

Almost two years had passed since the day that Mac and Harm had decided to pursue adoption. It was one of the first joint decisions they'd made as an engaged couple. Mac could still vividly recall their conversation, as they'd sat having dinner at her apartment, making plans. In those heady, exciting days, they were practically drunk on each other and the life they would share. They'd been giddy with anticipation about everything – their relationship, the career changes that would necessarily follow, their impending marriage, their desire to become parents...

_**Two years earlier**_

"So," Mac asked her fiancé, swiping a breadstick from his plate, "how many children do you see us having?"

Harm was silent for a moment, and then looked straight into his beautiful partner's brown eyes. "I'm open to whatever you want, Mac... you know that being with you is what's most important to me."

Mac did know. She had shared the implications of her endometriosis with Harm the night he asked her to marry him, and his response was that, if they couldn't conceive naturally, they could try other methods – IVF, surrogacy... Or they could always adopt, or even make the decision not to have children. "Whatever we decide, Mac," he'd said, melting her heart with the warmth in his eyes, "we're in this together – you and me."

Mac smiled at Harm. "I've been thinking... I really want to be a mom, Harm." A laugh of pure joy escaped her lips. "I just really, really want to be a mom. I've wanted it for... I don't know how long. And you'll be an amazing dad. I'm ready now, Harm, and I don't want to wait. I want to adopt. I really want us to start looking at adoption right away."

Harm stared at her in surprise, and Mac misinterpreted his shock, mentally kicking herself for getting so carried away with her dreams of motherhood. "But," she said, in a more subdued tone, "if you're not on the same page... if you're not ready, if you'd rather wait –"

Harm shook his head quickly, his eyes shining. "No – no, I don't want to wait either, Mac. I'm just so glad you feel the same way. I didn't want to bring it up because of, well, you know –"

Mac reached across the table to take his hand. "I've made my peace with it, Harm. It hasn't been easy to come to terms with, but I've accepted it. I just want us to start a family, and there are many ways to do that. Adoption... well, it just feels right to me. I don't care if we adopt a five-month old or a five-year old, I don't care if we adopt a boy or a girl... there are just so many children in the world that need to be loved."

The words poured forth from Mac in a steady stream – it was as though once she'd started on the subject, she couldn't stop. "And I've been thinking... what do you think about adopting a child from Russia? I've done a little research, and it would be hard – and expensive – and it could take a long time to get through all the formalities... but I do at least have a working knowledge of the language, and you can learn the basics of the language, and it's such a significant place for us – your brother lives there, your father rests there, and it's a place that brought us closer together."

Harm closed his eyes, emotion flooding through him. He was amazed that Mac had thought so deeply about this. He opened his eyes again, and his voice broke as he softly said, "Let's do it." Then he walked around the table, pulled her into his arms, and kissed her passionately. Soon, dinner was completely forgotten.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Huge thanks to everyone who's reading and reviewing..._

_**Back to the present day**_

That day had only been the beginning of many long days spent doing research, making connections, seeking support, doing all they could to prepare for adoption and parenthood. The process had been stressful and intense, but had ultimately strengthened their bond as a couple.

Alexei, their old friend from their Russian adventures (who was endlessly amused to find out that Mac and Harm had finally admitted their love for each other), and Sergei, Harm's brother, had been helpful, as had the agency they'd chosen to work with. Despite the assistance they had received, the process had been long, and progress had been slow. On some days, especially those days when hopes were dashed and promising paths were blocked, it had been both frustrating and painful. When everything finally came together, when it was confirmed that they would be able to adopt a child, a young boy named Yakov, it was as though all of Harm and Mac's Christmases had come at once.

But there were difficult steps to take. They had decided to tell only their closest family and friends about their adoption plans. Some were happy and excited for them, others cautious and concerned. Some warned them about the negative experiences their friends and acquaintances had had with foreign adoptions, others put them in contact with paediatric and psychiatric experts for pre-adoption counselling. The counselling, along with their research, opened their eyes to a host of possible problems their child could face as a result of living in a orphanage – mental and emotional problems such as depression or aggressiveness stemming from abuse or neglect; physical problems like congenital addictions, vision deficiencies and malnutrition. They did everything they could to prepare to deal with the issues, but they knew they could never be completely ready for the reality.

And then there was the career impact. They knew that it would be necessary for one of them to stay home with their child, at least for the first year or two, to help with the difficult adjustment period. Both Harm and Mac were prepared to take a break from their careers, but ultimately, fate took the decision for them when Harm was promoted to Captain and given his first command at RLSO MIDLANT. Meanwhile, Mac secured a billet teaching at the Naval Academy, one with the benefit of flexible working hours. The assignment hadn't done much for her career graph, and some had warned that it could even end up scuttling a promising career, but for her, the sacrifice was well worth it.

Now, their long journey towards their new life as parents was drawing to a close, and Harm and Mac were on the verge of meeting their child and starting a whole new journey with him. Mac still couldn't believe that they'd made it this far – she was overwhelmed with emotion. She sighed deeply and rubbed her arms as she continued to look out at the twilight snowfall.

"Mac?" she heard Harm question groggily from the bed behind her.

She turned around to face her husband as he struggled to sit up. "Are you cold?" he asked huskily.

She smiled, recalling a memorable night in his apartment when he'd awoken, clad in nothing but his boxers, adjusted the thermostat for her, and then comforted her. She shook her head. "No, I'm fine... just... can't sleep."

Harm ran a hand over his face as he rose to his feet to stand beside her. "You okay?"

She nodded, but was appalled to feel tears springing to her eyes and overflowing their banks to stream down her face.

"Hey," Harm murmured, lifting her face to his and wiping away the tears. He held her to him. "Everything will be okay, Mac."

"I don't even know why I'm crying," she said, self-mockingly.

"Because you're happy," Harm replied, "because we've come a long way, and we finally made it here, and we're taking our son home tomorrow."

Mac smiled through her tears, as the moisture seeped through her husband's T-shirt. "I _am_ happy, Harm," she confirmed, "but I'm also terrified."

Harm laughed softly. "So am I," he admitted, "but that's only natural – this is a big deal."

"Yeah." Mac pulled back a little, to look into Harm's eyes. "Our lives are going to change forever. Do you really think we're ready for this?"

Harm sighed. "I think we're as ready as we'll ever be. We've read every book on the subject, consulted with every expert we could find. We have a great support system, great friends. We'll just have to leave the rest to fate."

Mac nodded and returned her head to its former position against his chest. His arms tightened around her as they stood in that position for a long, quiet moment.

Then Mac whispered, "What if I'm not a good mother, Harm?"

Harm was incredulous. "What?"

"I mean it," Mac said, pulling away from him and turning to pace the room in agitation. "My own mom abandoned me, and even before she did, she was too busy dealing with her own problems to be much of a mother. I don't know what motherhood really _feels_ like for a child. The only mother figure I've ever had is Trish, and I've only known her for a short time. What if I'm just like my mother? What if I'm not cut out for it? What if I just don't have the right... instincts?"

Harm stared at her as though she had suddenly sprouted an extra head. "You have got to be kidding me. Listen to me – you, Sarah MacKenzie, are going to be an _amazing_ mother."

Mac strode towards him, her eyes large with fear and self-doubt. "How can you know that for sure, Harm? I have no experience raising kids... not like you with Mattie."

Harm sighed. "Mattie was already a _teenager_ when I met her, remember? Our son is barely four years old. Totally different ballgame. But that's beside the point. You ask me how I know you'll be a good mom... I've watched you with kids, Mac – Chloe practically worships the ground you walk on. So does AJ, and you've known him since the day he was born. And yes, Mattie loves you too – you were there for her even when she barely knew who you were."

He went on, ticking each point off on a finger. "You love children – when you're with them there's a special light in your eyes. You're always honest with them, you're strong enough to lay down rules when you have to, you're an incredible role model, and much as you like to pretend otherwise, you have the biggest heart of anyone I know. I know that you'll be a great mom to our little boy because you love him already, so much so that it's keeping you up at night. You will love him with everything within you. It's that simple. I know we will both make mistakes, and neither of us will be perfect parents, but we'll love and support our son, and we'll be completely committed to his well-being. And that's what counts."

Mac nodded slowly. "But, what if," she said, and the uncertainty in her voice tore at Harm's heart, "what if that's not enough?"

Harm reached out and drew his wife back into the circle of his arms. "I wish I had the answer to that one, Mac. I wish I could say that love is always enough. We both know enough to know that there are no guarantees. I can't promise you that loving our son will work miracles. What I _can_ say that I think we're both ready to take the chance – to jump off this cliff together, and I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I've never regretted taking a risk with you, Mac. We will do the best we can, and hopefully, this will be the best thing we've ever done together."

Mac looked at him, and the certainty in his eyes buoyed up her spirits. She felt her fears slowly start to slide away. "How is it," she asked, "that you always know just what to say?"

"Now, we both know that's not true," Harm replied, "I say plenty of stupid things, and you're usually the first one to let me know it."

Mac cocked her head to one side, her expression solemn. "No... no, seriously, I need you to know how much this means to me – the fact that we're doing this together. I don't want to you to ever doubt that you've always been the only man I've ever wanted as the father of my children."

Harm simply held her face in his hands and kissed her – long, slow and deep. Then he raised his head. "So... since you're awake, and now I'm awake..."

"Uh huh, and since I'm all wound up and anxious..." Mac added.

"And since we'll have a child in the house pretty soon and certain, uh, activities may need to be somewhat... curtailed..."

"Excellent argument, counsellor," Mac said, laughing, "you now have my express permission to 'unwind' me, as long as I'm permitted to return the favor."

And so he did. And she did.

_A/N: Only one short chapter left..._


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing... here's the final chapter._

_**The next day**_

Yakov looked up at his new parents with apprehension. He could not claim to be sad about leaving the orphanage, but he would miss his friends, and he was frightened about where he was going, and what would happen to him there. The Americans looked strange to him – he was a little afraid of them, but the matron had told him that he would have enough food to eat in their house, so at least there was that to look forward to. Sometimes there wasn't enough to eat at the orphanage; sometimes he went to bed so hungry that he cried.

The Americans and the agency lady spoke to him, and then they spoke the matron. He did not know their language, but the American woman had spoken some Russian to him, and although she sounded funny speaking his language, he felt that these people really could not be so bad. They were smiling, they seemed happy. _But if they beat me_, he thought to himself, _I will run away from them - far away_. He had never been beaten, but his friends had – his new friend Anatoly had arrived at the orphanage with striped scars across his face, arms and back.

The American man smiled at him again, and gently took his hand as they walked out of the matron's office. His heart thumped loudly in his chest. He hoped these people would not hurt him. They walked through the small, icy yard, and Yakov saw his younger friend Yekaterina, playing with a small blue ball, out alone in the freezing cold. As they approached her, she stared up at Yakov, and then at the Americans, her blue eyes tinged with worry. Then the matron called out to her sharply, and she ran back into the building.

They drove in silence to the train station, where they said goodbye to the lady from the agency. Now the Rabbs would make their journey back to the States alone; their number permanently increased by one. When Yakov was fast asleep, lulled by the movement of the train, Harm and Mac spoke quietly – about how sweet and serious he was in his little brown threadbare coat, how they would buy him a new one as soon as they reached the nearest store. They talked about how they would find ways to make him laugh, to help him be a carefree, happy child; about how they needed to make sure that the adoption papers were all in order; about his travel documents; about the medical checks he would need once they arrived in the States. Most of all, they talked about how grateful and lucky they felt to finally have him in their lives.

Then Mac looked Harm straight in the eye. "You noticed her too, didn't you?" she asked simply.

Harm nodded. "Yes."

"You felt it too?"

"Yes."

"I heard the matron call her Yekaterina. We should call the agency, get the process started. Hopefully, it'll go a little faster this time. It would probably be best for her and Yakov to go through at least some of the adjustment period together."

"Yes."

"Two children, Harm. Are you ready for this?"

"I am if you are. Are you?" he returned the question.

It was Mac's turn to respond with an emphatic "Yes."

_A/N: Thanks again for joining Harm and Mac on their journey to meet their first child. There will be more stories to come in the 'Brownies & Surprises' series..._


End file.
